Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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