You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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