Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
