I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
