tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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