i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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