Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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