dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
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I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
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When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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