god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
