I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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