i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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