What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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