Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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