he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
