Your face is a jimmy john
We're like a lot better than the average bears
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
