I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
