look no pants
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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