just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
