He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
