We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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