two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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