Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
His nipple licking is glorious
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