We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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