Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
