I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
