"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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