Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
