I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
