I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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