last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
