yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
