I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
