Girls should come with a carfax report
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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