FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
