I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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