my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
don't judge my taste in strippers
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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