im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
