is your mom at the bar?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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