my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
