Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
