I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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