I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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