I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
