Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
