The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
