We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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