You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
