i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I skipped work to stalk him.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
