Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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