That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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