she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
