just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
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this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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