wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
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He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
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watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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