I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Text me some of your sweat
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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